from now on my penis is your penis
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
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