sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Randomize
