He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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