I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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