i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
