Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
