I just pynch a tree in the face
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
