The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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