Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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