I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
