apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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