i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
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