flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
