i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
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