I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
