She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
