You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
