so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
