is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
