I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Randomize
