So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
