When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
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