awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
