My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
is that a dick in a sweater?
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
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