Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Randomize
