One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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