I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
