Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
