Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
