Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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