wakey wakey hands off snakey
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Just pee around me
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
