I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Randomize
