It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
