Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
