so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
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