She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
