I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
