the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Randomize
