i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Randomize
