she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
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