Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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