I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize
