I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
You've changed since you got that strap on
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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