1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
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