Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
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