I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Randomize
