I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
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