Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
