Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Randomize
