Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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