Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
