you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
