Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Randomize
