Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
did i just pee glitter
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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