im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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